Tennis brats being tennis brats.

A long time ago, I was lucky enough to take a creative writing class from the late David Foster Wallace; back when he was still living in Bloomington, before warm weather and dump trucks full of cash were used to induce him to head West. I distinguished myself in the class in two ways: I had the strangest hair (bright purple for much of the semester), and I dated the only genuinely talented student in the seminar. I was also, as it turned out, the only kid there who shared some of DFW's enthusiasm for tennis.

DFW had been a minor tennis prodigy himself and had also made a few bucks writing some behind-the-scenes pieces about professional tennis invitationals for some swanky magazines. He wrote a famously bitchy description of Andre Agassi in one of the essays collected in A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again (the only other celebrity to get such harsh treatment in the book was Balthazar Getty for his conduct on the set of Lost Highway). I asked him once if he could expand upon his description at all, and even though Wallace was too tactful to tell tales out of school, he vaguely responded that Agassi was probably not a bad guy but that he tended to compulsively needle people around him. Needling people is not an uncommon trait for super-competitive alpha male types, but it was the first comment I thought of when I saw the first of many stories this morning on the Sampras/Agassi exchange at the charity tourney down in Indian Wells.

Agassi called Sampras out in his memoirs for being a skinflint and a terrible tipper, and told an anecdote in which Sampras (who was born rich and went on to make insane amounts of money playing tennis) tipped a valet at an exclusive restaurant "one dollar." It was one of my favorite parts of the book.

So last night, Sampras and Agassi were bantering and Agassi did an "impression" of Sampras by turning his pockets inside out and commenting "I don't have any money. Oh, I have a dollar." Sampras was apparently Sincerely and Deeply offended by this vulgar display. There are only two reasonable explanations for Sampras's histrionic overreaction--either Agassi has spent literally years needling his quiet American rival and this was a straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back-type-deal, or Sampras is the most hysterical ninny in professional sports.

One spoiled, mega-rich tennis brat makes fun of another spoiled, mega-rich tennis brat in front of a stadium full of spoiled, upper middle class Californians for being a bad tipper and the general reaction on television, sports blogs, and the numerous tennis message boards I read (shut up) seems to be: Pistols at Weehawken come dawn. Choose your seconds, gentlemen.

Please allow me to add, speaking as someone who has waited tables at a couple of ritzy places, if Sampras is indeed a bad tipper, screw him. Screw bad tippers, especially rich guys who are bad tippers. Huzzah to Agassi. If his silly, lighthearted little clowning made even one of the entitled, well-scrubbed tennis fans in the stands that night slip their valets and waiters an extra couple of bucks lest they, too, feel like cheapskates then he performed an invaluable service.

Also, w/r/t Sampras, what kind of pompous little tyrant gets Seriously Offended by a not particularly offensive, playful, and apparently true jibe at a charity event? I don't use the "c" word lightly, but I'm tempted, my friend. I'm tempted.